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| I used to think those were the words to the chorus of a Cranberries song... the words are actually "it wasn't often" but I think either could apply. It wasn't often, it was an off day.
Have you ever felt off and you can't shake it? Have you ever felt so lonely your stomach hurt? or so sad you felt your  would just slide out?
I've never felt my physically hurt from sadness until recently. I always wondered what that would feel like. I don't anymore.
Why is it life just gets you sometimes? I didn't use to feel these times before. Before I decided to really live. This is harder. It hurts. I fight. My little feels a little tattered, a little worn, a little stretched at the seams; a few threads hanging. Oh that the fixer of s, the mender of souls would make mine beat properly again.
Do you ever feel so pressed by what is happening in your head, in your world? Like if you let it, it would push you down into the ground and the earth would just swallow you whole. Or that perhaps you could hold one position forever and never find a reason to move your hand or shift your eyes? but just become a monument to what life looked like.
Release. I need release.
I've felt so bound to lies all my life. Those precious delusions were such close company for so long. They felt so safe and so right. I never even questioned them. They comforted me when I thougth I had no other comfort. They gave me confidence in my self . . . they chained me to themselves and I could not see truth. But truth could see me.
And yet here I sit fastening the shackles around my wrists, my ankles, my being. Even though I've been freed, I know truth, I run back to the familiar arms of these lies. Oh rescue me. . . from me.
Why can't my eyes see You? Would You give me new eyes? Ones that can see You clearly? Bind my with Your glorious thread, release my oppression don't let me sink. Rescue me from the chains I so gladly lock around me
It's so hard form me to understand that You both did these things fulfilling prophecy but You are these things.
You are my sight.
You are my perfect
You are the release
Your yoke is easy
You are Truth
Where You are lies can not take root.
You don't just give us what we need, You are what we need.
Sing dear , Sing to Your Hero, Your Salvation
"The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,
Because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor,
He has sent Me to heal the brokened,
To preach deliverance to the captives
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set at liberty those who are oppressed,
To preach the acceptable year of the Lord."
Luke 4: 18 & 19
Thank You.
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| Well, this has been a little overdue, but it's been one hell of a week. . . of a month. . . of a year but such is life, right? So, this week I started a new job, Music Therapy, got offered some help in the music scene and had three intense conversations with three dear friends of mine. I realize more and more as the years roll by that everybodies got their secret lives. (as Don Chaffer says) and that I really have no idea. What is it about the church that says we are to weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice? What is this part of life that teaches us that we need each other, that we're all part of a body and we all have a specific purpose in that body? So, here I am trying to be the elbow or probably more accurately the tonsil, and I just seem to find myself a bit lacking. All I can do is sit there and listen, I have no great words of advice, I have no real comfort to share, I just sit there and listen. I realize again that we are all broken and that this world is broken too. I realize that we all are in need, we have been since the beginning. I believe that we were created even though what we would become was fully known. I think Mufasa said it best, We are more that we've become. That is to say we were crafted with such care, woven with tender threads to become someone blessed with the company of the Master of the Universe. I was sitting in Starbuck's consuming my beverage that I made at the house because I am too poor right now to even purchase a cup of coffee. Three dollars in your account can really redirect your perspective on wants and needs, but that's another blog. So I'm reading some books and listening to my headphones, partly to focus and partly to escape the world around me, and waiting to go to the church to stand next to an old friend and she pledges her life to a man. til death. As I wait a song begins to play in my ears and my attention is caught. The lyrics wind around life from stage to stage, age to age, taking the struggles of each and acknowleding how He has provided for each of those struggles and fears. And my eyes began to leak. Yes, my heart just swelled as I was reminded that in everything He IS. Whatever we need He Is, whatever the struggle He Is. Elbow Healer, Strong Tower, Back Bone, Super Hero, Best Friend, Creator, Priest, Timeless One, Secret Keeper, Savior, Pasture Maker, Rock of Ages, Shepherd, Comfortor, Teacher, Husband, Our Everything. . . I Am. So, to all of you that read this who struggle, to all of you who are hurting, to all of you who are lonely, to all of you who desire to be loved I say, I'm struggling too, I hurt with you, we can live life together and learn to love well. Thank you to those of you who have chosen to live in truth, however ugly, or however lovely. Thank you for sharing your life with me and with those around you. I pray that the Lord fixes the intents of the thoughts of our hearts on Him and on His truth. | | |
| Things change all the time. Seriously, why am I always surprised???? Two roomies moved out into an apartment this weekend boo hoo.... but that leaves three and a little bit of space, which we've been without for five months. I stayed the night at the new apartment last night. It's a brand new apartment complex and very nice!! Sarah's cat was transported last night. Zac and I (Zac is Sarah's cat) have not had the brightest of relationships. In fact I despise the thing. More than anything it's fun because Sarah and I joke about it, although maybe she doesn't think it's so funny ALL THE TIME. Anyhoo, I had the task of holding onto Zac while Sarah drove to her apartment; not a bad job and Zac behaved rather well. We arrived at the apartment which is only a couple miles away and I carried Zac into the first floor brand-new apartment. I entered and walked onto the carpet and smiled at Theresa. I decided that I'd give Zac another chance, maybe he wasn't such a bad guy. I mean he hadn't hissed once or even really meowed. He was being sooo good and you know it's hard for animals to move to new places, they get nervous... So, there we are Theresa and smiling because I'm cradling and petting this cat that usually only sees the dirty side of my shoe and I just felt all warm and fuzzy inside. . . no wait, that's warm and fuzzy . . . OUTSIDE!!!! and GETTING WARMER!!!!!!!!!!! Now, the warmth is dripping down my hand and wetting my flip-flop. That's right folks. The stupid cat PEEed on me. So, needless to say I decided NOT to give that cat another chance. In other news, I went to Canton this weekend. WOW!! The flee market of all flee markets!! It was very enjoyable and Baby Evangeline came and she was so wonderful. I didn't know babies could be so well behaved. Until we were five minutes from home and then did she let it loose! What a screamer. Emily, who was in the front seat and I played chinese fire drill at the stoplight, so she could get that girl away from her auntie. I ended up getting two Lily of the Nile plants (my fave!!) and a couple Mother's Day presents. I didn't find any junk. So, that was disappointing, but I still had a good time! Clifford's birthday was yesterday and we played a new game called Rook. Pretty fun. After American Idol last week I decided I needed the Bon Jovi Greatest hits album or whatever and since I got a hefty Walmart gift card from the school for teacher's appreciation last week, I've been singin 'Livin' On a Prayer' with Mr. Jon Bon. He's dreamy. Also, my sis and I went and tatoos last weekend. Not matching!! phew. but it was fun none the less. and she's healing up nicely. I got the hebrew word for praising. helal. but in Hebrew of course on my foot under my ankle. Juli got the Greek word for "I seek" zateo; on her arm just below her wrist. so, it was quite a weekend and now my roomie wants one so we're on the hunt for the most amazing tatoo. any help would be appreciated. And lastly, Maranda and I went to see Wicked this weekend. WOW!! It was funny and fun. So, win win situation. If you have a chance take it you'll probably like it. I mean seriously, who wouldn't go after the only thing left of your dead sister!! Who said Glinda could give Dorothy those shoes! Go see it! seriousity. | | |
| I thought I hadn't written anything in a while because I haven't had much to say. . . but I guess I've had a lot to say I just don't want to say it. My roommate and I were listening to Sara Groves this morning and she sang, 'It's been a hard year but I'm climbing out of the rubble.' The truth of those words rang in my ears and resonated in my heart. It's been a hard year. and I haven't enjoyed it much. I hope I've changed but sometimes I'm not so sure. Loving is hard. I thought it was easy. Forgiving is harder. I never thought it was. It sounds silly, the things that have happened but they weren't silly at all. They hurt. They hurt me and they hurt others. They almost ruined relationships. Why do I let things go so long? Is my pride that important to me? I have been shoved in front of the mirror and I confess I don't like what I see. I see a person who thinks one thing about herself but is in fact another thing entirely.
One of my friends dad died the other weekend. I remember that life is not guaranteed, but it is precious and worth more than I know but it is not forever. Not like this. The next day in church we watched a video about a father who lost his daughter in the Columbine shootings. The idea was forgiveness. He was able to forgive the boys who took his highschool daughter. . . so young. I just began to weep. Alone in the dark in the back corner of the church, I cried. I couldn't stop, I was so overcome with sadness. Not just for the families who lost someone but for the students who were drenched in the blood of their friends and had to relive the day every night in their dreams, wake up and start all over again.
I cried for the families of the boys who took those lives and their own.
I cried for those boys who felt that was the only way to relieve their pain and their anger.
Then it became so much more.
I cried for my own pain, a luxury I don't often allow myself.
I cried for the losses in my life that I will never get back.
I sobbed because of my bitterness that I hold on to like a life line and for all the world I will not forgive.
I cried for this broken and drepraved world.
I wept because we do not love the unlovable and the unlovable become what we've named them and take the lives of those around them that will not love them. I wanted forgiveness. I wanted to forgive. In the words of Patty Griffin, 'It's hard to give. It's hard to get, but still I think it's our best bet. Everybody needs a little forgiveness.'
I went home unable to get a grip on this sadness. Went to my friends fathers' funeral (not the best cheerer uper) and sunk more into sadness. Then Monday came and Virginia Tech was massacred, and the sadness lingered and deepened. It was the exact reason for the tears I shed the day before. It rang of depravity and brokenness. I know love is in this world but it wasn't here. I just cried out to God, 'WHAT DO I DO?' He said, "welcome to my life." So, this is the way of the cross. To fellowship in the sharing of the suffering of Christ. How it must of hurt when He cried for Jerusalem. Is this why he said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit for there's is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed those who mourn for they shall be comforted." The first two blesseds, I guess it should be no surprise that if we choose to walk this road we will be poor in spirit, we will mourn. But we will be comforted. I want to love more, I want to love strong......... Help me, Jesus.
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| | Well, I haven't blogged in a while. . . apparentley not since 2006. So, here's the dealy-o. What has been going on well, I quite my job at the Blind Installation place (probably part of the reason for the lack of blogging. . . hmmm.) and have started some Music Therapy sessions. Mostly with little kiddos and I'm having a splendid time doing so. I've been concentrating a lot more on my music (I feel like I should sniff real loud and push up my glasses with my middle finger when I write a sentence like that. but it's true.) I HAVE been playing around more, at open mics and such. Played at the Door in Dallas last weekend; it was a blast. I can't believe people get paid to do things like that. Sounds fun. Maybe I'll try that. Yes, I still ride my bike although I have had no misshaps since the dreaded crash of 2006... hope I'm not typing too soon. I swam a mile and a half in just over an hour today (6 min over to be exact.) Pretty proud of myself. A little soar as well. My roommates and I are looking into some races this summer. Some Tris. running, biking, canoeing, or swimming. I'm excited about that! I hung out with Over the Rhine a few weeks ago. They were doing a concert at OBU and my sis was in charge of the concert stuff. So, I got to tag along and doing silly things like eat lunch and dinner with Karin and Linford, go see Reno 911 in brick town. hang out at Starbuck's. It was like a dream and they were every bit as wonderful as I wanted them to be. It seems that we changed their minds on what Baptists girls are like. (Mission Accomplished) You can check out some of the racey details on the Over the Rhine newsletter on their myspace. Funny stuff. And I guess that's what's happening here. oh, I'm reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller; it's depressing me. I guess I'll keep plugging and maybe it will look up. I want a Mac ibook. I want to go to Mexico. I want to record an album. But none of those things will happen anytime soon because I'm a tax-dummy and owe the government an obscene amount of money for which I am only 3/4 prepared to pay back. I love growing up and being responsible. It's the best! |
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